The First Night

So I've been here less than 24 hours and I think I've been drunk for at least half that time.  Here's a quick rundown of how the last day has gone....Sticky Fingers with Kim and the world's greatest ribs...I suggest the California Sweet Sauce.  Then off to The Penthouse where two women engaged in an act that most save for the bedroom....Mike nearly lost his life thanks to a tatted titted stripper who didn't have the $7.50 to pay for her vodka cranberry.  Back to the apartment to consume a plethora of brewskies.  Jay and I road off to South Carolina to check out some more naked bodies.  Nearly a grand later, one of us had semen in his pants and one didn't.  Back to the apartment where Mike, G and Cips are doing their best Jonas Brothers impression.  A few games of Asshole later and everyone has that feeling of having a nail being pounded in one's forehead...thanks Amstel Lights in a can!  Some apparently felt the effect less than others as two of the five had a 6:15AM tee time...though no one at the pro shop approved of it.  This morning we dined on a fabulous breakfast of eggs, taters, bacon, English Muffins and OJ...the only thing missing was a Mirage Diner chocolate shake.  Today, another blistering hot day...pool waterpolo, a jog through the complex by Cips and I which featured an encounter with a rabid squirrel and 9 holes of golf on the Azalea Course....Cart Wars was in full effect until things got serious at hole 7...Cips and Jay win 2 of 3 holes...the exclamation point coming on a TREMENDOUS putt by Cips as G photographed exotic birds.

God only knows what tonight will bring! 

The Boys First Time........ Golfing

Yesterday was the first full day we were here in NC and boy was it fun filled. We woke up and did those normal grown up things you have to do, go food shopping, make lunch and clean. We then embarked on what was turning out to be an amazing afternoon. The drinks began to flow when the sky was crying now that michael jackson was touching it inappropriately. Three full drinks later some people were shit housed while other were ready to hit the links. We made it an executive decision and all went to the first hole to slap the little white balls around. Though one member of 501 was unable to play due to a lingering shuffleboard accident the other three members were ready to play. One member had played a lot while one very little and for the last member it was his first time out. After sweating due to breathing, we were having an absolute blast. For those golfers with minimal experience, they did unbelievably well while making that shit look good! Though we may have lost a bakers dozen of golf balls we almost played nine holes and enjoyed every single piece of grass. The rest of the night was amazing and the golf will continue to get better like that ugly girl in high school who is a model now! I will keep you updated and have a great week of work while we are hopefully golfing and getting mangled!!!

Calabash and Beyond...

Hey!  Well I just wanted to update you all about our trip to Calabash, NC.  After a 12 1/2 hour car ride we arrived here at the resort at 5am!  If our 30 days in a row rain stint in New York, we lost time on the drive when when it fucking down poured and caused everyone to just ride their brake pedals throughout the the whole fucking state of Virginia!

The 501 boys spent most the ride playing the license plate game, and our own interpretations of crazy iPod karaoke!  Hey!  It was a 12.5 hour drive, lets see what you would do when four dudes are jam packed in a Mountaineer.

We woke up around 10 am yesterday and immediately booked a tee time and went food shopping.  I have to say even with Jay in the group we still managed to be incredibly efficient, only making communal decisions about meals.  Like most occurrences in our group we proceeded to make food shopping into a competition when we decided to make teams and cook dinner and breakfast's.

4:00 approached, all decked out in our finest golf gear we were dressed to impress on the links...I'll let Jay explain how that went for 2 rookies!

WETpage

If the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit. With apologies to the late Mr. Cochran, this glove, much like Orenthal James Simpson's Isotoner's, were a perfect match. With a lone birdie on the 16th hole yesterday afternoon, 29-year old, South Carolina native Lucas "Oil" Glover silenced a Tiger, caused yet another heartbreak for a NY favorite and at last, quieted the rainy skies.

How do you put into words a tournament that came with so much anticipation, so many back stories...from Amy Mickelson's battle with breast cancer, to Tiger's quest to tame The Black a second time, to the U.S. Open's return to a fully public course, to the rowdy NY fans...how do you explain to someone years from now, the multiple rain delays, the awkward tee times, the Monday afternoon finish? I don't think it truly felt like a United States Open until yesterday morning when El Tigre moved to minus 1 and Phil set free an eagle...the 20,000 plus crowd went bonkers, but even then, as I sat at my desk shielding the live NBC telecast from the watchful eyes of my boss, I couldn't help but think this tournament deserved better.

New York loves its underdogs...the '69 Mets, the Super Bowl III, Joe "Willy" Namath-lead Jets, but what The Empire State truly craves are the favs...Tiger, Phil, even Ernie or Retief. We revel in watching the best golfers on the planet hit that same tree we do on 7 and land in the fescue off the tee on 15, but at the tourney's end, we want the hands of someone we know cupping our trophy.

So congrats to "The Golden" Glover...here's to you conquering Our Black...next time, just put it in the deep rough like the rest of us!

From Brownies to the Gold Award
Now don't get me wrong folks, this tournament wasn't a complete debacle, certainly not for Jeff or I. While waking up at 4am on Friday wasn't exactly invigorating, we hoped a stop to Dunkin Donuts would be just the energy we needed. Well, I'll bet 2-1 that the man who took my order also defacted on my egg white sandwich, and it's likely Jeff's cream cheese. well you can guess what organ that came from. Ok, ok, not the greatest start, but once we get to Farmingdale State University, the day will really get going, right?

Unfortunately, Stalin was working the security check that morning and forced us to consume our breakfast in record time. No bottles allowed here fellas....oh yea, how come Father Time just strolled through with a water bottle full of explosives!!

We finally boarded the bus and arrived at The Black...little did we know that mud wrestling would be the main attraction that day. Jeff bitched and moaned about his poor Nikes, while I had to traverse the same ground with a fucking boot on my foot!

Amazingly enough, despite the many problems, Jeff would go on to learn a valuable lesson that day about what it means to help our future women leaders of the world, the Nassau County Girl Scouts. While I slaved over a 400 degree grill for 6 hours, Jeff, after consuming enough peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to kill Mine That Bird, whisked the freshly cooked burgers and chicken into the tent at the 12th green to be served to thousands of unruly customers. Meanwhile, we made friends with Julie, the competition BBQ'er/ mother of two who can cook anything from rocks to c@cks!, Tom, who made his battle with swine flu an open and rather disturbing topic of conversation and of course, "Bless Us that's Hot" Bob who offered up more prayers to the heavens in one morning than the Pope.

But hey, we helped some chicks, ate for free and watched some golf...sounds like a great day to me! What do you think Jeff?

See you in North Carolina blogheads!

Calabash

Well everyone we are just days away from 501's vacation, or in the words of Jay, might I say MANcation!

Like I've mentioned before the members of 501 Huguenot are taking a much needed vacation down to Calabash, NC. There we expect to play as much golf as humanly possible, RELAX, hit up some crazy Calabash speakeasy's, smoke a fat Cuban (which will most likely be a Dominican) and laugh the weekend away. Just getting out of this rain will do for me!

We have all promised you guys out there that we would keep up with the blogging, don't expect to many video, recipe, MILF, hot chick, cougar of the week's, we'll probably just keep you updated on the events that are, will, and went down! Except if we do meet a cougar, hot chick or crazy video then definitely expect something!

Well I just wanted to drop a quick line and prepare everyone, looking forward to give you guys something crazy!

What Does the Future Hold?

Now that The Lake Show has been crowned 2009 Champs, we can move on to The Blake Show and the rest of the NBA's newest youngsters. Unless you spent every Saturday afternoon this past winter with Dickie V screaming from your TV set, you may not be familiar with some of these names, but I expect a handful of them to make immediate impacts. Let's take a look at a few of The Association's next crop...

Blake Griffin: The Clippers can't possibly mess this one up right. Unless the Lakers' Staples Center roommates select Peter Grffin, expect the Oklahoman to be a Carlos Boozer in waiting for LA's Other Team. God, you'd just feel a lot more comfortable about this kid's career if he was going to a more stable franchise. Cue nightmarish visions of Michael Olowokandi!!!

Ricky Rubio: The 18-year Spanish sensation will certainly bring a lot of flare to the NBA, but will he have the substance? My guess is yes! Why? Because he was born on the 21st day of October that's why! Como esta bitches!

Hasheem Thabeet: I hope he watched the NBA Finals closely because he is the second coming of Dwight Howard, but with an even lesser array of offensive skills (is that humanly possible by the way?). The man will block half a dozen shots a night, but if he wants to be an All-Star talent, he and Dwight better forget Pat Ewing and phone Hakeem the Dream instead!

James Harden: You've probably heard the name, but the only time you saw him play was when you were half in the bag on the way home from the bar because most of his games started at 10:00PM Eastern. My suggestion...get to know the name and the player because he'll be one to watch...he'd be a perfect player on a West Coast team. Expect the Kings to swallow him up with the fourth pick, if not expect Obama to call a State of Wizards Address to announce that he is personally drafting him. Move over Gilbert...you got back court company!

Stephen Curry: Think Reggie Miller with more mobility or Rip Hamilton with an even deadlier arsenal. He certainly won't solve all the Knicks problems, but he will be a saving grace for a team that seemingly hasn't hit a jump shot since Allan Houston hung 'em up. In D'Antoni's 8 Seconds and Up System, he may average 20 in year one!

Johnny Flynn: Energy, excitement, enthusiasm....the kid brings it all. Small frame may have him getting knocked around a bit his first few years, but if he looks to be a distributor early on, he'll be a top 10 point guard before you know it.

Brandon Jennings: You'll remember BJ couldn't make the grades to get in at Arizona and opted instead to go to Europe and play in the Italian League. His play was sub par at best, but the talent is still there. Don't forget this guy was the number one rated freshman by ESPN.com two years ago. Be humble young man, lose the attitude and run the point the way you should have for the Wildcats.

Gerald Henderson Jr.: Let's be honest, with the exception of a select few Dukies...Boozer, Elton Brand, Grant Hill...Coach K's Boys just never seem to turn out the way we plan. I think he would have been better served going back to school for one more year. Corey Maggette here we come! Will have respectable career stats, but won't be a difference maker.

DeJuan Blair: NBA-ready body at the time of conception. Will be a rebounding machine as well as that inside the paint enforcer that every team craves come playoff time.

Chase Budinger: Nice career at Arizona, but too one dimensional. Might be a nice pick for a team that needs instant shooting prowess off the bench.

Tyler Hansbrough: Gotta have some Carolina love in this post! Chris "The Birdman" Andersen without the tats and crazy hair...this guy is going to give his NBA squad the same effort that he gave the Powder Blue for four years. He will not be an All-Star and may not even crack the starting lineup, but you'll be happy if your team drafts him. I predict a bloody nose his first week in the league!

Ty Lawson: Fellow Heeler...maybe the fastest man on the planet taking the ball from endline to endline. Will find it far more difficult to get that running float shot off amongst the trees in The League, but will immediately make his team dangerous in transition and has always been smart with the ball in his hands.

Like all drafts though, we won't know who won and lost until three or four years down the road, but alas, let the prognostication begin!

Smoke This Red!

On Sunday night around 11:00PM Eastern time, Phil Jackson not only supplanted himself as the most decorated coach in professional sports, but also the greatest. Don't believe me? The only spot his Knicks championship ring can fit is on his toe!

But Brendan, he's always had great players! I wonder how Joe Torre would have done without DJ or Bill Belichick without Tom Terrific?

But Brendan, he inherited playoff ready teams, they were bound to be champions! Doug Collins had MJ and Pip, how'd he do? Del Harris and Rudy T each had Shaq and Kobe, did they win rings?

But Brendan, he never developed any teams, never helped them grow to championship status! Folks did we forget that the Lakers were just 42-40 two years ago?

But Brendan, the league is so watered down, it's easier to win today! Red Auerbach won titles when the NBA had less teams than toes on your feet (and I'm saying this as a Celts fan!)!

The Montana Man has compiled a career .705 winning percentage, his teams have won less than 50 games only three times in 18 seasons and he has brought 12 different squads to The Finals. He's managed to remain cool, calm and collected in a world of enormous egos, money-loving millionaires, and free-agency frenzies. He's prevailed through Shaq rap videos, MJ's gambling bonanzas, Kobe's rape trial and Scottie's stubbornness. At the conclusion of their careers, nearly all of his players are left with the same lasting words, "I wouldn't have wanted to play for anyone else but Phil."

His coaching techniques are legendary...from Tex Winter's triangle offense to the summer reading he assigns his players. The Master of the Mind Games once before a 2000 playoff game, displayed images of Edward Norton's character from the movie American History X, who has a bald head and a tattoo of a swastika, alternating with photos of Sacramento's white, shaved-headed and tattooed point guard, Jason Williams. Jackson then displayed pictures of Adolf Hitler alternately appearing with Sacramento coach Rick Adelman. The Lakers of course, went on to win in Game 7 where they went on to defeat the Pacers in The Finals.

So before Phil rides his Harley off into the Montana moonlight (and for the record, I believe he's coming back), let's show our appreciation for The Zen Master and the style in which he's done it...laid back, seemingly unemotional, rarely calling a timeout in situations when his fellow coaches would be doing somersaults onto the court, yet devastatingly intelligent, exacting and awesome....awesome like the light coming off a ring...like the light coming off 10 rings.

Fun at 14,000 Feet

Matt wasn't lying my beloved blogheads, this was one of those weekends that the Boys of 501 won't soon forget. The weekend got off to a flying start as the New Ro Nut Heads headed north for a date with the blue, grey skies of Gardiner, New York. The objective was to prove the theory of gravity...friends, old Isaac Newton wasn't lying!

Following a brief and downright disturbing instructional video narrated by Harry, the hasidic jew with the world's longest beard, two things were ingrained in our heads....there is no such thing as a perfect skydive and should the worst occur, well...Skydive the Ranch doesn't give two shits because you just signed your life away!

After helping The Ranch crew out with some high-rise paint detail, The Ghostbusters and The Other Three met their instructors and photographers...Rico, Chico, Marco and Igor x 2...quiet debate quickly ensued amongst the six skydivers about whether or not terrorists were in our midst. Final instruction was then given.....head back, legs to the instructor's ass, make sure you can feel the golf ball and flare, flare, flare!!!! Oh, and be prepared for a slight drop when the top clips release around 6500 feet!!!! Release!!! The only thing I'm going to release right now is a fart!

Minutes later we were eggs in a carton ascending to a meager 9000 feet, cloudy skies prevented us from going the usual 13,500. "F that!!" said Captain Dan (donned in awesome Aviators I might add!) in disgust, now I'm taking you an extra 500! That's when it happened, the fart to trump all farts! We will debate for years about who's ass it derived from, but there was no doubt in Igor's mind what it signaled..."that's the scent of fear!" said the gangly Russian immigrant.

At nearly three miles in the sky, the door of the plane finally slide open...the last of the fart evaporated and with it, each of the six sky surfers caught the wave...each felt the incredible rush of the air ripping you out of the plane into oblivion, each felt the moisture in their mouth as they passed through the clouds, each gave a thumbs up to their respective videographer and each felt the tug of the parachute destroy any chance of reproduction.

One by one, we slowly drifted down from the sky, steering ourselves to a final stop on the grassy Earth below. When at last we all had arrived, Igor, with a snap of the camera and the smile only a terrorist's motha can love, proclaimed all that was needed..."Exxxxxxxcellent!

Later in the Day
From land to sea we went, as we raced out to Captree State Park for a date with the Atlantic Ocean. After picking up a member of 501 from a brushy Citibank bush, we boarded the JIB VI, bum ankles and all!!!

In typical 501 fashion, "Beer On!" was sounded far more often than "Fish On!"

Three bluefish were brought safely onto the boat until one member of the 501 Crew put BL in their tank! Some say a fourth fish belonged in said tank, but we all knew he just caught the boat!

The night ended with three rain soaked members of 501 throwing "healthy casts" while the fourth was just praying for a "healthy hand!"

Cheers to a TREMENDOUS weekend gentlemen...the summer has only just begun!!!

Sunday Funday

For the past couple of Sunday's the boys of 501 have been hitting the beach, for the summer triple threat, BEACH, BEERS, BITTIES. The first two have been very successful where the latter, not so much! Mostly because of the second "B".

After a Saturday that was filled with jumping out of airplanes (you'll hear more about this soon) and night fishing, the boys took to the shore to complete a fun filled weekend with a much needed Sunday Funday!

Like every Sunday the day starts off with some egg sandwiches and then the ride to Brendan's. Every time we hit Brendan's pad, we are most graciously emerged in another triple threat; Shannon, Meghan, and MoDizzle! Three lovely ladies who you would think were triplets! Moving past their auras of beauty, you hit the holiest of holy grails. The infamous picture.

The biggest BoSox fan I know is in the picture above, enough said.

We then hit waves for wiffleball, beach soccer, "secrets", the name game with Coach, and an illustrious BBQ. That calls for another discussion: Why do men gravitate to water and fire?

At every BBQ one goes to, it is with most certainty you will find most of the men there standing around the BBQ. It's like when we see any form of fire we are star struck, I know that I cannot pull away from its throat clasping hold. This can be said for Mikey5 as well!

Ahhh Sunday Funday, I love it!

A little side note to our readers, I can assure you that you will love reading this blog this summer. We have made sure our summer is filled with excellent activities! Every weekend from here on out is jam packed, and we will make sure to bring you every exciting detail! I GIVE YOU MY WORD

Mystery Video

Mystery Video Throwback

June 11th 1990

Career Tracker

Eddie Murphy's IMDB page

What happened to Eddie Murphy??!!??

The Good: SNL when it was great, Delirious, Raw, beverly hills cop, coming to america, 48 hours, another 48 hours, 

then right around 1992 things took a turn for the worse..

The Bad: Boomerang, Vampire in Brooklyn, The distinguished gentlemen, NORBIT, nutty professor, best defense, doctor dolittle, pluto nash......

we round out with the donkey in shreck, but he was just lucky Mike Meyers picked his sorry ass off the ground

he went from on top of the comedy world to doing nothing movies for kids....

its a shame Eddie, its a shame

Let the Man Earn it First!!!

Now let's get one thing straight before I jump into the topic of athlete paychecks...I don't begrudge athletes for getting paid and getting paid handsomely. You will never hear me say "he's not worth that kinda money," because none of them are...ARod ain't worth $25 million a year just as the output of the 12th man on the Clippers doesn't correspond correctly with his pay stub. But hey, they have more skill and talent than I'll ever have so more power to them.

One monetary mockery that does drive me insane, however, is when we pay our hopeful hero's boat loads of cash before they've even slipped on a uniform. Future phenom Stephen Strasburg was drafted number one overall by the pathetic Washington Nationals the other day. The San Diego State product, who's paraded around by none other than super agent Scott Boras, is expected to obliterate Mark Prior's record $10.5 million 2001 deal. Now, unless Obama has a bailout package for DC's Duds, there's no way in the name of Joe Biden that the right-hander will get the $50 million that some in the media have claimed. He will though, like Matthew Stafford, JaMarcus Russell, Alex Smith and others (mostly in baseball and football), get the cash before they've ever made a splash.

Without sounding like one of those old farts who begins each sentence with "back in my day," I really believe this pay before you play phenom is yet another example of the world of entitlement we have created. Kids grow up believing they will always make the varsity squad, that every exam has a retake and that Harvard and Yale won't be the same without them. We build children up like the new Yankee Stadium and when it's finally time for them to meet The Real World, their views are obstructed and their sense of reality, like the homeruns, are loooong gone!

Major League Baseball needs to input a rookie wage scale (similar to the NBA) to combat these ludicrous contracts. Let's see if a prospect's curveball is major league-ready before the first Corvette is in his driveway. Let's stop telling athletes and kids how great they are before they've proven it on the big stage.

For the record, I hope Stephen Strasburg lives up to the hype, our nation's capital deserves a winning ball club. But let's put an end to the coddling of athletes, the helicopter parents who won't let their kids go to the bathroom alone, the varsity basketball teams that don't make cuts...The Wussification of America!

Gym class in this country used to be about playing dodgeball and the objective was a simple one...locate the overweight, slow, dorky kids and peg the shit out of them. Why??? Because it makes sense! Now the only thing kids dodge in gym class is a sense of reality.

Some people in life make it, others don't and still other's take the road less traveled. Let's allow children to learn these lessons early so we don't have another Stephen Strasburg, or Scott Boras for that matter, in 10 years!

Pro-"Wife" of the week - Mini-Series

Carmella Decesare (Jeff Garcia's Wife)

Winner winner chicken dinner

I can't even type words to describe how hot this chick is so I am not going to try.

God Speed Jeff

Video of the week

AWESOME

Comments below...

Underwater Rugby

Underwater Rugby

above is the link for the you tube video

This sport has almost no similarities to Rugby union, not sure why they call it underwater Rugby and not, bunch of wet people sliding off of each other.

It reminds me of the KY jelly wrestling match in old school when blue died, no impact and just a bunch of slippery people

Swimmers should Swim and Ruggers should Ruck 

Period end of sentence

As I write this blog I am getting increasingly angry about this sham of a sport, when you clicked the link did you feel like you were promised a fantastic hummer and ended up with a dry tug from like 8th grade?

I did.....

wikipedia page for underwater rugby

One Skate Forward, Two Skates Back

First off, my sincerest apologies to Matt for writing this blog, but I'm sorry, it has to be said.

I'm hereby calling for the the NHL to rename itself the NML...National Masochism League and Gary Bettman to pull an Ochocinco and official change his name to Dr. Kevorkian.

Now I admit, I'm not a huge hockey fan, but like most other casual icemen, I'll flip the switch (if I can actually find Versus or the Outdoor Life Network of course) to tune into some playoff action. Last night, however, when Sid the Kid, Marvelous Malkin and a young, exciting Penguin team were attempting to book a return flight to Hockeytown, I only watched for two minutes...evidently most of America did the same.

Going up against the NBA Finals proved to be a ten-minute major for Kevorkian and Krew.....in nearly every major American city (even Detroit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!), the NBA ratings slam dunked those of the NHL. The highest NHL rating came in bumbling Buffalo, a city that enjoys only two seasons...Bills season and Bills offseason. Why in the name of Steve Avery, would Dr. K think extending the break between Game 5 and 6 to three days and slotting a do or die game on the same night as Game 3 of the NBA Finals is a smart idea.

Now in all fairness, the NHL has done a very respectable job in resurrecting itself following the disastrous 2004-2005 lockout. The game is faster, the action is more intense, attendance is up and many players are once again household names..so why go and euthanize yourselves!!!! You had a golden opportunity, with the game on NBC, to call the sporting world your own had Game 6 been on Monday. No NBA, No Red Sox/Yanks!!!!

The icicles don't end here though folks...the NML forces us once again to wait three days for Game 7 and puts it on a Friday night!!!! Guys, hockey fans are as passionate a group of fanatics as you will find and that will never change, but the people you want watching are the LazyBoy Loafers, the people who wouldn't know the blueline if they tripped over it or a slapshot if it hit them in the nuts....you're not gonna find those guys on a Friday night!!!

Dr. K...you opted for more money by choosing Versus over ESPN (awful decision whether you like The World Wide Leader or not), you expanded well beyond your limits and are now paying the price as one team after another cries bankruptcy (i.e. Phoenix Coyotes, New York Islanders, St. Louis Blues, Atlanta Thrashers, Nashville Predators) and your ratings are slumping in the midst of a Stanley Cup Finals that features an Original Six team and your marque star...here's our last will and testament Doctor, when you have a night to promote your product to the world, don't treat us like one of your patients...let us live and see the light!!!!

Hottest Yankee Wife Round 2

Damon Vs. Swisher

Reigning Champ - Danielle Gamba (swishers wife)

Challenger - Michelle Damon

Vote Below

Super-Cougar of the week

Always a classic, and will always hold a special place in my heart

This iconic blonde-shell is 42 years young with 2 kids and will never be too old for me.  

Baywatch, Barb Wire, VIP, Pam on the loose, The tommy lee video, all fine cinematic features with this american icon.

I mean I think baseball, apple pie, and Pam Anderson when I think America.  Where else could a hot model make it as an actress and business women for being a starlett that doesn't really act.  Everyone knows her for her Baywatch bounce and the tommy lee video.  She was smart enough to cash in while it was all still there.  do playboy a few times and make the money while she can.

I salute Pam from my boyhood dreams all the way up until now.  

I say Pam

keep on keepin on

thank god that jumbo-tron found you and you looked nothing like what you do now, thank god you used scott baio to get into hollywood and dropped him like its hot the second you had your first plastic surgery.

and thank god for your first best of pamela anderson playboy video in 1997

Pam's IMDB page

I'm not asking for a vote here...

Owned

Well it's official, the Yankees were OWNED last night in their no-run performance against the BoSox.

Thankfully all of our investments paid off; Burnett hell of a job son, 2 innings of fine work, you really showed Boston who's boss, I mean, it's not like you were brought in to specifically beat them, I much rather wins against Kansas City.

Tex; well you were the lesser of all the evils last night, no hits, no runs, no RBI's, but I guess compared to the rest of the team, your two walks were decent, still OWNED though.

A-Roid, my boy, I love it when you hit homeruns when your team is already up by 9 runs, and love it even more when you produce nothing against Boston or whenever we're in the playoffs. You better start shaking those cobwebs off my friend, this shit is getting old. Beckett made you look foolish, your one of the best hitters in the game, you can't be getting OWNED like that!

For the rest of the squad, seriously 2 total hits, you all were OWNED! This isn't the way you supposed to play against your biggest rival and your biggest threat for the AL East title!

You guys looked just as OWNED as the kid in the picture! Come on, straighten' up!

Now, I know you guys didn't mean to get me so upset, and I'm sorry for saying such hurtful things. Let's put this behind us and move on.

Wang is on the hill tonight, with our bullpen all used up from last night, it's up to you buddy to last at least 6 innings with your 85 pitch count max.

New Series - What the Eff is Happening in This Photo?

Attention all 501 fans...in building on Mike's Athlete Wife of the Week, I'm happy to debut the What the Eff is Happening in This Photo mini series!

Put on your thinking caps ladies and gentlemen, and give it your best shot!

Responses in the comments section please!

Bird is the Word!!!

Beautiful weather, summer right at our claws and a TREMENDOUS sports weekend, what more could you ask for!!!

Theme of the weekend: Our feathered friends!

Let's get right down to the highlights:

The Stanley Cup Finals: The birds who can't fly have their arms (I guess that's what you call them) pinned to the ice as The Wings, hockey's greatest franchise (sorry Montreal, you haven't matter in years eh!) is one victory away from hoisting the greatest trophy in sports yet again.

The Belmont Stakes: Blame it on the birds Calvin! Appropriately named Summer Bird flew to the finish outbeaking favored Mine That Bird in the final leg of yet another dubious Triple Crown series. The million dollar question is who was 2004 Belmont Stakes winner Birdstone routing for...he sired both birds!!!

The French Open: At last, all-around great guy Roger Federer flapped and slapped forehands, backgrounds and service aces to finally achieve what Pete never did...a career Grand Slam! Who cares that the Swissman didn't have to face Nadal, who had his oversized wings clipped by Soderling in the 4th round. The Spaniard should have known Soderling was destined to play in the final this wingy weekend, his first name is Robin!!!

The Memorial Tournament: King of the Bird(ies) Tiger Woods birds the final two holes to swoop past Jim Furyk after starting the day 4 shots back. Woods charters a plane to Strong Island this morning and smokes a drive down the first fairway at the famed Bethpage Black. No word yet on whether any fowl were harmed during the 300-plus yard drive.

The NBA Finals: Game 1 was for the birds! No doubt we all wish birds of any feather had similar accuracy issues in shitting on our cars as the Magic did from beyond the arc! Game 2, however, was a wing-biter! Front row Laker fans reported hearing Courtney Lee scream the "Eagle has not landed" when he narrowly missed an alley-oop lay-up as time flew away in regulation last night.

Last but not least, in non-sporting news the life of a small sparrow was thought to be spared at Malibu Beach Club yesterday, but in stunning fashion the baby bird was rejected from the nest!

Initial word is that the winged animal is a distant cousin to Lynn Swann and boyfriend of Jennie Finch. The sparrow will be returned to its rightful owner Tony Hawk, who captains The Lift Off, a fishing boat out of Captree State Park that some bum ankled, Bud Light drinking Long Islanders say can fly!

Europe Here We Come!

You had to know it was only a matter of time before we took a page from our European counterparts and started turning our athletes into walking billboards. I just don't know that we thought it would happen this soon. You can blame it on the recession, our slumping economy, or the pressure on businesses to make a few extra bucks, what it really comes down to one simple truth...it makes all the financial sense in the world.

Marketing is about getting one's brand out to the public, we see advertisements on cars, on highways, on TV, even on the bodies of boxers, why not on the jerseys of the greatest athletes in the world? This won't start and end with "LifeLock" being adorned on Phoenix Mercury jerseys, that is only the precipice of the marketing mountain. Quite frankly, the WNBA needs these extra dollars just to survive. But don't be surprised if we start seeing more and more company names and logos on fields, courts and ice.

I think what will be more interesting is how the public reacts to these changes. We all cried foul when Comiskey Park became US Cellular Field, Jacobs Field went Progressive and Candlestick Park became a Monster...how will we feel when a Five-Dollar Footlong is on the helmet of an NFL team?? In Europe, teams and fans seem to enjoy the mammoth marketing machine and here in the States we eat up all those cool-looking soccer and rugby jerseys. Now that ManU has dropped it's sponsorship with AIG in favor of Aon, won't people be buying the jersey just because of the new design? Don't we buy some of those jerseys for the look as much as the team?

But fear not folks, I don't see these material changes taking place in the four major sports for another few years, just don't be surprised though when you relax into your Madison Square Garden seat sponsored by Scion for a match up between The New York Cableguys and The Detroit Dodge Caravans in a 2012 playoff game presented by Pizza Hut.

Pro-"Wife" of the week - Mini-Series

This is a new post that that 501 is going to try out and is only going to last a few weeks

It will highlight a wife or long time significant other of pro athletes.  

These "special" ladies work really hard around the house and cooking dinner.....

These typical housewives have very special skill sets and add certain assets to their man and marriage.

I am pretty sure just like Eddie Murphy said, that when they fill out the W-2 they check other and fill in.....F*@k my man

thats it, these wives are not cooking dinner and cleaning the house, although they might, the majority is not.

The first Pro-"Wife" we salute at 501 is Anna Benson Wife of MLB player Kris Benson