WAKE Me Up

I attended a wake last week for a co-worker whose father died. It wasn't a particularly sad wake, the gentleman had been sick for sometime so it wasn't a complete shock and by all accounts, he lived a full and enjoyable life to the age of 96! Standing in the funeral home, surrounded by people I don't know as a dead man lay in rest in the front of the room got me thinking...when analyzed on a very simple level, is there anything stranger on the planet than attending a wake!?!?

Consider...you park your car in the funeral home lot and you are already beyond nervous...am I dressed appropriately?, how long will I stay?, will I find the room easily?, what's their nationality (Italian, probably going to be a bit more somber; Irish, damnit I forgot my 5-piece drum set!), will I know anybody there?, will him or her be there?, is my cell phone off?, do I even know the deceased's name or anything about he or she?, I'm starving and goddamnit, that's right, there's no food served here!

Now step into the funeral home...you immediately look for the bathroom, even if you don't actually need to use it! Once out of the bathroom, let me make sure I find the right room (believe me, there is nothing more embarrassing or unnerving then getting on the wrong line to see the family...I've been there!!!!)...oh shit! I forgot my friend's maiden name...Oh, Christ, what's her name! Oh fuck, I just said fuck and Christ in a funeral home! I'm going to Hell!!!

Ok, I found the right room...jeez, that smell! That funeral home smell, you can't describe it, you just know it's there. Into the room you walk...Oh God, I'm definitely in the wrong room, I don't recognize a soul! Damnit, used the Lord's name in vain again! Ok, ok, there he/she is. Now, do I jump on the line and hope he/she is there when I get up to the front or do I go ahead, kneel in front of the dead person and say a prayer for someone I don't know! (And you know damn well, half the people who go up there, just kneel and don't say a word!). And who among us hasn't thought for a second what if the dead person's eye flickers or hand moves! Oh shit, I think it just happened!!!!

Boom, you smack right into your friend! Hi (insert name), I'm so sorry about your loss. Your loss? Does that even make sense?? Nobody is missing and your friend didn't hit the rim on a game winning jump shot...so why do we say loss? How about, I felt terrible when I heard so and so died. Terrible? Did you really feel terrible? Or did you say, shit! Now, I have to go to the wake because he/she came to the wake when my (insert friend or family name) died! And how about when someone says of the deceased, he/she looks great! Looks great!!!! The man is going to be buried six feet under in 2 days!!!!

After your heartfelt words are expressed and you've starred aimlessly at photos of people you don't know or recognize you begin to walk....Hey (insert your name), there you are!? Oh motherfucker you say in your head, what's this guy's name and why does he always remember mine!!! Hey (think about blurting out a name, but decide not to), how are you doing? Then you think, how good can he be doing, he's at a wake, there's a good chance it's a relative or friend and fuck, I still can't remember his name. Hey (says the man you don't know), come meet my wife. Hey Susie, this is (insert your name). Oh hi, I've heard so much about you she says. Please use your husband's name, please use it! You two go back a long way! (Damnit, she didn't say his name!!!). After minutes of trying to figure out your friend's name and how you know him, you excuse yourself...it's been great talking to you man!

Oh well, I messed that up, but let me get some food! Oh fuck!!!!!! There is no food here! This is the only time in your life when friends and family are gathered together and no one has as much as a baby wiener dog!

Out to the car you return, only one thought in mind...couldn't have messed up that anymore than I did!

I apologize if anyone was offended by the preceding scenario, obviously ceremonies to honor the people in our lives that have died are important and to be taken serious, but you can't for a second deny their weirdness!!!